Scenes From the Weekend (And Other Thoughts)

This morning, I sat down and Googled "seasonal affective disorder" hoping to self-diagnose as something I might possibly have. I've been in a funk lately, and have been using the weather as a culprit. I didn't know how to deal with the heat - how tired it makes me feel - other than to stay inside and try to stay hydrated. (Unfortunately, this almost always results in drinking more coffee, which might be my problem right there).  

This weekend, I felt like I was even more out of it. For one, I wore my shirt inside out to visit my husband at his work. Then I sat around and moped about how I had yet to hear back from a job that I interviewed for mid-last week. Finally, I started another round of hacking coughs, an addition to the already sporadic coughs that have been hibernating in my body for many weeks now.

Of course, good things DID happen: I went to see the 4th of July fireworks show at Tom McCall Waterfront Park with my husband, niece & nephew. I also introduced my relatives to their first experience at IKEA. And yet - come Monday, I was still feeling the blues. And I'm not one of those people who's ever experienced true depression before - only sporadic spurts of blues here and there - I consider myself lucky, but every once in awhile, when things don't go your way, you start to feel anxious, impatient, and unsure of yourself.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - I've been in a funk about how hard it has been for me to get a decent job in the past few years, how depressing it is to look at LinkedIn and saw that my old school mates and co-workers have moved onto better things, and wonder why I haven't gotten there yet. Of course, let's be real here - your online persona is only a glossy version of yourself. I know that even someone who has what I'd call a "dream job" may not be happy. But damn - it feels like everybody else is already caught up and reached a home run while I have yet to step up to the bat. I have this bad habit of dissecting myself after interviews - should I have said that? Oh no, I forgot to mention this...and that.. or overall, I'd say to myself, "I have good writing skills. I can form a sentence. I can do basic math. I can communicate with people. I have a college degree. I can learn things quick. So WHY won't anybody hire me?!?!"

For a long time, I didn't know what to do with myself. In fact, it took me awhile to even start this blog, especially this post. It is really hard for me to put myself out there. Self promotion is not something that I can do well. It's literally a fear of mine. After college, I played around with different things - started a food blog thinking that I'd teach myself to be a better baker, and although I have gotten slightly better at baking, I have yet reached a place where I feel confident I can work in a bakery by myself. At the time, I thought I was only into food photography. Then I dabbled into other things, writing here and there, worked basic jobs to pay the bills. As I got closer to my thirties, I thought to myself, I really have to get somewhere in my career. That ol' saying, "Pick something and do it really, really well" is so obvious, but it took me awhile to figure out what that "thing" is.

Which brings me back to this blog business - I knew that the term 'blogging' has been around for quite some time, and people have started blogs since the early 2000s, but I didn't find a lot of interesting blogs with intuitive writings until the late 2000s. Although the bloggers I've been following has achieved great success through their online presence, I found it difficult to really find my niche and focus on that. But then I thought, what's the point? Who's even gonna read it? Is anybody looking at it at all? That's how I felt like this weekend. Besides, I don't even feel right saying the word 'blog' - I feel that my place is more of a journal rather than a blog. 

So even though I didn't find anything that would truly diagnose me as having SAD (seasonal affective disorder), I decided that I wanted to keep growing this blog. Even if nobody is even reading this, even if nobody made it this far into this post, I still want a place to nurture what I'm really into - that is, photography & writing. Sure, I may be all over the place, but I'm slooowwwlllyyy getting myself caught in less places. I want people to know me, and how I see the world.

Besides Googling random, unwarranted diseases, I also sat down this morning to get my dose of Instagram. I didn't mean to. I was looking for inspirational quotes to get me out of the funk; instead, I saw many pictures on Instagram that brought me back to life - these are the people whom I admire the most and their pictures really capture ME as a person & the places I'd like to be in. So I gathered up their posts and created the collage above.

More dissection, clockwise from top left:

1. A good cup of coffee next to a beautiful bag is how I like to start my week too. As if it isn't already obvious, coffee is something that I MUST have every morning.
2. Reading a book on a big picnic blanket is what I call a perfect summer afternoon...when the weather isn't already 90+ degrees, that is :-)
3. Pike Place in Seattle is truly magical. I have fond memories of going there for my honeymoon in Seattle and a few more trips after that. IF possible, I'd like to live within walking distance of this place in the future, so I can get first dibs on fresh meat, fruit & veggies (not to mention, awesome ginger beer from Rachel's Ginger Beer!)
4. Having a vast green landscape with a swing for reading or playing is also a dream of mine. It makes for perfect afternoons. I am truly in awe of Jennie Prince.
5. Colorful summer fruits makes a great snack. When it gets hot, all I want to do is eat fruit and drink water.
6. I am a huge fan of Nicole's blog, and even more jealous of her travels. This one, I believe, she is in Copenhagen - one of the many places in Europe that I'd like to visit someday. The architecture alone is enough to make me drool.
7. Noodles, chopsticks, and chilies are part of my common language. Growing up in a Vietnamese household, I've had my share of noodles and salads, and I couldn't be happier. Limes & ginger are also great accompaniment to a lot of Southeast Asian dishes.
8. Ahhh...calligraphy. I feel like the art of writing nicely has dwindled over the years. Gone are the days where people were forced to write a paper by hand. Everything is typed or spoken into a smart phone nowadays, I wish I can play a role in recapturing the art of writing well. Someday, with more disposable income, I plan on learning calligraphy for sure...(and because the phrase on the picture is really the inspiration for this post).